this weekend was supposed to be something id really enjoy getting by. to have an off day on friday after the ecp run and hanging around with my friends after that, then meeting up with my ex-coursemates on saturday for the play was fantastic! i havent really enjoy myself so much since my block leave. it was the moment i could just be natural and laughing out loud, thinking of nothing but enjoyment every second.
however on the way back home, i felt terrible. its almost a habit for me to think of what ive done over the week; self-reflection, i should say. i didnt know why but i felt very very upset. why? i really dont wish to elaborate.
i just feel like sometimes people got to be selfish. have i been too nice to people? probably. have i been too accommodating that it ended up as lowering myself? maybe. or is it because of all the things ive done (ie. insults, criticise etc.) and now its just karma? most probably. perhaps its time i should change to be someone else.
now that i realise too many a time, ive been wearing that mask on my face to be an extremely nice and easy-going person. it shouldnt be that case, ive been away from the hotel business for so long and there isnt a need to make true friends in my current unit. the only last time i made real friends was when i did my training in AI.
sad to say, it has now even extended to my family. yes, my family. sometimes life got to be selfish for someone. why am i making myself so miserable to the state that sometimes, i just got to keep everything to myself with no one to share? my problems, how i feel. nobody wants to listen, nobody wants to bother. (pat, please dont tell anyone about this. i guess the people whom i can confide is only left with you and maybe kwang, who will be enlisting soon and be facing more problems than me). i thank myself and whoever for providing me with such a big heart and emotional bucket to collect all the things up, its as if infinity. im really grateful but why now, i feel the explosion happening in there? if only i can find a huge empty space, i really wish i can just shout out loud and let everything go. completely nothing to do with relationships, its just some issues which i dont feel so good over.
no one can understand me because i dont want to share and dont wish to share. everyone in the whole freaking world is selfish. i want to be more selfish than them. ive learnt that through this one good reason. i dont want to be so nice anymore. i have the right to do things i want, even simple things like not picking up phone calls from anyone. i dont want to be nice anymore, accepting all sorts of vulgarities, insults and scoldings from anyone without getting back. i swear i'll never be nice anymore.
