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im gonna be frank in this entry. and this is how i feel, seriously.

i much guess people think that i dont take things seriously. im only a joker to hang around with, someone you can make use of and then dump you aside when ur not that helpful anymore. or perhaps, in simple explanation, i may not appear to be as important as anyone. and to me, i think people take me for granted. =)

i dont feel sad or anything cos what i hope is that, whenever im out with my family and friends, i try to make the day great for everyone. make myself the fool or clown, as long as i bring laugther to them, or just a smile, i feel great myself. i always hope to bring happiness to whoever is around me. be it anyone.

however, now that ive chosen to be someone selfish. i mean, in this society, everyones selfish even your closest ones. sometimes, they take you for granted and not thank you in any ways. take for example, when they have a problem, you are the most willing one to help and comfort them. and you helped them by trying ways to solve the problem and stuff. but when its the other way round, when you have problems, they might just start avoiding you, or saying that they will call back in which they will NEVER call you back, resulting in solving the problem yourself instead or finding someone else. and as for now or in future, i cant really be bothered with anyones problem. any problem? i would kindly advise you to solve yourself. i am not as free as you think i am always there to help you. i have my own things to do and to settle. =)

yes, you can say im such a selfish idiot or giving me some names. whichever, since you took me for granted, once, twice, thrice or many times, i have had enough of you. and i believe that is how human works when they tend to say they will help their loved ones. but for parents to children case, its a different thing.

another thing is, i would say my mood is sometimes not getting any better. sometimes when ive nothing to do, those kind of really free time, i would be thinking and reflecting on what i have done and think if it is correct or wrong. what kind of consequences i will be facing if i were to go this way. for kinship, friendship, ive always been giving way (or rather most of the time, 1 out of 50? perhaps), to make everyone feel comfortable. i will go along with any idea when someone doesnt feel like it. this is a way to try to understand and put yourself into the others shoe. i would rather sacrifice myself to small little things, than to make anyone else unhappy. ive always tried to do that. but what i always get, is something no one will ever like. maybe that is my life. letting people bully and keeping quiet. helping others and getting nothing in the end. at least a show of smile or a word of thankfulness, will make me feel that my effort was appreciated. ive served thousands of guests in hotels, they are total strangers to me, but at least they smile or say my help is appreciated deep down in their hearts. their smiles were nice and warm, i felt contented cos my efforts were appreciated. but i get nothing from the people i know. yes for some, but no for most of them. this is pretty sad.

and like ive said, i shall just be selfish like anyone else. i rather make myself happy, then to care about others now. but im trying not to be cos i will feel bad at the end of the day. a sense of guiltiness in me, i feel extremely uncomfortable. but if you are someone who doesnt feel bad or feel bad just by saying and not in your heart, i feel sad for you cos this is not what human is supposed to be.

anyways, if the way im doing things to you guys, and you are unhappy about it. kindly ask me to leave you alone in future. if you cant be bothered about me, why should i be bothered about you? i rather help someone who appreciates what ive done for them, then to give ways to make you feel comfortable, sacrificing to protect and make you happy, or making you happy to pull a closer relationship with you, or to shut myself up even when im not happy. im not your dog or pet. i dont want to sound im such a noble person. im not. and i dont i am or want to make people think am one.

its raining right now. and todays lesson was quite fun. chopping vegetables. i love chopping parsley! =) im dropping by ritz soon. i miss them!

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